I feel like this is the first day in over a week that I’ve been able to just be still.
I don’t know how I get so busy. I felt like I had so much time over the summer, and then as school started my schedule got more filled and, well, I think I had been taking the margins in my life this summer for granted.
But busyness isn’t all bad. I’m busy with fun things and fulfilling things. And if I hadn’t also been recuperating from a cold last week, I think I would have had more free time to write and do more of the things I love to do and feel called to do. (And maybe my floors would have a little less dog fur on them.)
I really wanted to write last week about getting to meet another blogger. I actually do exist in real life (though, full disclosure, Ria is just my blog name), and so does Caroline, an amazing and beautiful spirit-filled woman. I loved getting to share actual physical space with her and her lovely husband in their living room just over a week ago. If you haven’t seen her blog, I’d recommend stopping by In Due Time to see how God is moving in her life.
She and her husband were so welcoming! The boys mostly watched football while we talked about a lot of things, but mostly about what God is doing and teaching us in the midst of our trials. And we prayed together. Can I tell you? There are no words to describe how I felt God moving during that prayer.
And I’m so grateful that DH, who hasn’t really ever talked to anyone about this IF stuff in person outside of our parents, had the opportunity to be there with us.
It is amazing to see this couple’s faith in practice as they wait on God for an expected miracle. I just can’t wait to meet their baby (or babies!) whenever God brings them! What joy that day will be!
It was such an honor to be able to share a little real life with them. And it made me want more of it!
I’d like to extend the invitation to anyone who reads this little blog of mine, if you’re in the Houston area and craving a little “in real life” time, please feel free to e-mail me (fillmynest (at) gmail (dot) com) and we’ll see if we can’t set something up! I’d love to pray with you or just to talk. And if you’re not in Houston but want someone to talk to, e-mail me anyway!
And I am just reminded how very blessed I am to be living today and to have the ability to connect with so many beautiful people through the Internet. It’s hard to imagine going through this without the blog world and all the people who have blessed me through their posts and comments. Thank you all.
I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus.
(I Corinthians 1:4)
To share these difficulties, and to one day share each other’s joys when our babies finally do come, is such a gift. And I am so very thankful.
A few questions in my Bible study this week–on chapters 15 and 16 in Genesis–asked me about the promises God has given me. One question asked, “What questions about His promises to you would you like to ask?”
You know my answer? “What are God’s promises specifically for me? What verses in the Bible are meant specifically for my life?”
I know there are so many promises in the Bible that are corporate–for the whole body of believers–and I know that many of them will apply in the next life. But what–if anything–has God promised specifically for me? Is it even reasonable to expect, hope for, desire, or want a promise specific to my life from God?
Chapter 15 opens with a rather distraught Abram (not yet renamed Abraham). God has promised him a “great reward,” to which the already wealthy Abram basically responds, “What’s the use, when a servant of my household is going to be my heir?” You see, Abram is convinced that he will not have any children. This is despite the fact that God told him in the beginning of chapter 12 that he would give the land to which he guides Abram to Abram’s descendants.
Can we really blame Abram in his doubts? The man is 86, after all, and his wife is still barren. But God has promised. And God, in his great mercy, repeats the promise to Abram several more times and with increasing specificity. He speaks to him here, in chapter 15, saying, “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir” (15:4). “And he [God] brought him [Abram] outside and said, ‘Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.’ Then he said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be'” (15:5).
What a promise. And now we see that Abram does believe God, “and He [God] counted it to him [Abram] as righteousness” (15:6).
The commentary for this week’s lesson talks about this, saying:
Romans tells us, ‘He [Abram] did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God’ (4:19-20). Abram recognized that, humanly speaking, what he was believing God for was impossible. It would take a miracle. The Scripture says, ‘He did not weaken in faith,’ but it does not say there was no tension, no battle going on as he struggled to hold on to his faith. He was open and honest with God. He asked Him how He was going to solve this. Then ‘the word of the LORD’ came to Abram in a vision.”
At the end of chapter 15, God adds to Abram’s confidence in the promise that his descendants will inherit the land currently occupied by the Canaanites by making a covenant with Abram. Traditionally a covenant is between two parties, both of whom have responsibilities to uphold in keeping their end of the bargain. But the funny thing about this covenant is that God is both parties. God makes and God keeps the covenant. Abram has no responsibility. The promise will be fulfilled on Abram’s behalf with no strings attached. I find this so freeing. You see, the promises God makes to Abram do not depend at all upon Abram’s behavior.
I think that is true of the promises God makes to any of us. He knows we are sinful people, that we falter, and that we are incapable of guaranteeing anything in our own power. So he doesn’t ask us to do that. God’s promises to us–God’s promises to me, whatever they may be–depend on God alone, not on my behavior, not on my actions, not on the amount of trust I have, or how fervently I believe.
If you know you have a promise from God, but it has not yet been fulfilled and you are waiting and wondering if you misheard or missed out, I want to encourage you that you won’t be the first to have doubts. You won’t be the first to try to help God along or take matters into your own hands, either, as we see Abram does in chapter 16, though doing so would be unwise. And I think it’s okay to ask God to clarify and ask God to bolster your faith. Because you know what faith is? It’s a gift from God.
And if you’re like me, wondering whether there are promises in his word for just you, wondering if you can claim as a promise an heir from your (and your spouse’s) very own body, as God promised Abram, or if that’s just too convenient–join me in asking God. He gives Abram clarification when he asks for it. He comforts Abram when he is in doubt and when he is distressed.
Our God is a great God. A God who loves all the people he has made and wants none to perish. A God who does not play tricks on us or deceive us in any way at any time. And a God with a plan and a path for each one of us. Sometimes the path takes us through difficult and dark and confusing places. And maybe we don’t get to know why. But I know where the path ends up and I’m going to follow it to my ultimate reward, with God’s gracious help.
And I’m going to be asking God to reveal to me the promises he has in mind specifically for me. And I pray that I will be content–even joyful–with whatever he reveals, even if it is not what I might have chosen for myself.
Well, I’m not sure I deserve it, what with the vacillating between highs and lows that I’ve been doing the past several weeks or so, but I’ve been nominated for the Sunshine Award by three excellent bloggers. I’m seriously touched and honored and, well, I guess I like answering these questions that never fail to remind me of those chain letters we all used to get when the Internet was new. Anyone?
List 3 of your best and worst personality traits – Best: I like to give to others, I like to learn new things, I like people. Worst: I lack self-discipline, I am very prideful, I struggle to respect authority and tend to complain too much.
If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? I love travelling and have had the privilege of seeing many wonderful places. But I want to see it all! I guess my top three today are: Victoria Falls, the Great Wall in China, and Israel with a side trip to Petra, Jordan.
You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal? Steak and garlic mashed potatoes, a side salad, maybe some sweet potato and ice cream for dessert. Incidentally, this is what I eat when we go to Saltgrass . . . minus the ice cream. I can make that at home. So I’d just assume skip the about-to-be-executed part.
If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? To have it said of me that I walked with God, to want what God wants me to have, to trust God 100 percent instead of wanting and insisting on my own way. (But man it would be hard not to wish for a baby!)
Why do you blog? To survive. Well, that’s why I started this blog. I’ve always imagined myself having a blog but never really had a focus to write about. Now that I’m a year into this blogging thing I’m stoked I kept it up, though I find my focus is evolving and maybe widening some.
List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list: Hmmmm… to write a book, to be a mom, to go to seminary/learn Greek and Hebrew, to go in a hot air balloon, to figure out how to keep my house nicely.
Any tattoos or piercings? No tattoos. I have my ears pierced–left twice, right once. I like that it’s asymmetrical. I got my nose pierced on my 25th birthday (my quarter-life crisis?). I didn’t like it at first and almost took it out, but now I wear a tiny stud in it and it would be weird not to have it.
If you could be any animal, what would you be? Humans are animals, aren’t we? But in the spirit of the question, I think I wouldn’t mind being one of my own dogs. Those four-legged beasts have a pretty sweet life.
Are you mostly a clean or messy person? Mostly neat, not necessarily clean. Not really messy though.
Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid and 1 thing you love about being an adult: I miss having time to just be and to experience life and play and learn new things. I love that as an adult (as a married adult, really), I get to have a slumber party with my best friend almost every night.
From dear Caroline at In Due Time (who, Lord willing, I’m going to be meeting IRL tomorrow!):
Night Owl or Early Bird? I’m a night owl, definitely. But I’m trying to convert because I feel like people who wake up early have more time and because my DH is absolutely a morning person. It’s been a challenge.
How many languages do you speak? One very well. I majored in Spanish, but I wouldn’t consider myself fluent. That said, I can get around without much trouble in Spanish-speaking countries. I love languages, though, and would like to learn more. I’m hoping if I go to seminary to get a thorough education in Greek and Hebrew.
Where were you born? St. Louis. Like Tootie in Meet Me in St. Louis, I feel lucky to have been born in my favorite city. I’d live there again in a heartbeat. And since they’re playing today: GO CARDS!
What are you most thankful for in 2013? My absolutely wonderful husband. I don’t know who or where I’d be without that man.
What is something you have never done, but would love to try? I’d like to give birth. Ha ha. I’d also like to ride in a hot air balloon.
Warm or cold weather? COLD! Absolutely love winter and winter clothes . . . and fall, and fall layers . . . and snow, and changing leaves . . . and all those things I miss the most about being in Texas. I don’t like to be hot: I figure you can always add a layer, but at some point you can’t take anything else off.
Youngest, Middle, Oldest or Only child? Oldest. Of four. And DH is oldest, too, though he just has one sister.
Do you have any nieces or nephews? Nope, not yet. Which is kind of a blessing. Our siblings are all younger, and none of them are married, so it’s good they don’t have babies yet. But DH’s cousins (who live near us) each have one child and they kind of seem like our niece and nephew.
Music or TV/Movies? I guess it depends on the circumstances. I like to listen to music when I’m cleaning or cooking. Though now that I think about it, I would probably watch TV while I did those things if we had a TV I could see from the kitchen. I love watching movies or shows on Netflix with DH, though. It’s one of my favorite ways to spend time together.
Beach or Mountains? Mountains are beautiful, but I love a good beach. So, both, I guess, with the scales tipped slightly in favor of beaches.
And from Daryl at Something Out of Nothing (also expecting! And who has been such an encouragement to me from the beginning):
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? There are way too many good answers to this question. I have a long list of places I’d love to live and a short list of places I would prefer not to live–Houston was on the second list, but it’s growing on me. So, pretty much anywhere is fine. But I’d love to live abroad someday, even if only for a few years. The UK would be fun . . . especially with young children who could return to the States with adorable accents.
What crazy celebrity baby name do you secretly love? So I really am not very hip and I have very little knowledge about celebrity names. Except, like, Apple. And Suri. Suri’s not too bad. I found this list, and there are some interesting names here–and some downright ridiculous ones. But I don’t think I’d go here for naming inspiration for my own children.
If you had three hours to yourself, what would you do with that time? I’d like to think I’d spend it productively in ways I can’t do when other people are around: writing or painting (for fun) or wandering around a museum or an artistic part of a city. But the reality is I often have hours to myself each day and I rarely do those things. I’m excited when I get a blog post up!
What’s the best thing on TV right now? I really enjoy Nashville. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure for me. So much drama!
What’s your favorite family recipe? My grandmother’s meatloaf. It’s the best. Really the only meatloaf I’ll eat. She gave me the recipe and I’ve enjoyed making it. Of course, it has bread crumbs, so the gluten-free me has tried a couple of times to make it with alternatives with limited success. Oh well.
What’s your hidden talent? If I told you, it wouldn’t be hidden anymore. 🙂
Would you rather spend Thanksgiving with your own family or your husband/partner’s family? Mine. DH’s family is wonderful, but my family has traditions and I like that. With his family I never know if we’re going to have turkey or enjoy our meal at a seafood restaurant (as in, the first Thanksgiving I spent with his side. True story).
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Too long. I am the SLOWEST person in the morning. And in the evening. And generally, I’m just slow moving in all things. Even running. But if I have to be somewhere, I’m decent at cutting things out (who needs hygiene, really?) and can get out of the house pretty quickly.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping? With whom? I’m not sure it counts, but when we were in Thailand last spring DH and I had a hotel room with a private pool. But that’s the only time.
What’s your guilty pleasure? For the sake of consistency: Watching Nashville. That and green tea lattes at Starbucks. Would have them every day if they weren’t $4 a pop.
So, it’s my turn to nominate. No pressure anyone. I’d love to see your answers, but I hope getting the award just brightens your day a bit. And, all these blogs are powered by awesome people and worth reading:
This is my 100th post! I’m excited! Thanks to all my readers!
Also, thanks to all of you who participated in my survey to name our kitten. Unfortunately, at the end of the survey we had a three-way tie. To be honest, I’d been secretly pulling for Atticus all along. But yesterday this little kitten showed his wild side. Turns out he’s more like Mowgli than the stately Atticus Finch or the eccentric Sherlock Holmes. So DH and I consulted and have officially settled on Kipling.
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“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
On the inside of a thin band of white gold, if you look closely, you can see “Ecc. 4:12.” It’s what we chose to remind us about who was part of this marriage. A marriage, done right, seems to bring many people together. Not just husband and wife, but also his family and hers. And tying together the man and woman into that cord of three strands is God. Without that, the two together may be stronger than one, but more easily torn apart or unraveled than three.
It’s funny how God teaches us things in stages. Like if he told us the whole story all at once we couldn’t handle it or couldn’t absorb everything. And so on that day in December nearly six years ago when we said “I Do,” we knew we were pledging to be together for the long haul. And we knew we needed God to hold these two rebellious souls in tandem in this fallen world.
And we married. With the ignorance of what life would bring or where we would be led. But we did it. And we vowed that whatever it was, wherever we were, we’d be there together. Living, loving, lifting up, and laughing together.
As it turns out, this means a lot of crying together. A lot of time on our knees together. A lot of pleading with God and calling out for answers together.
It’s meant going from our homes to DC and then here to Houston. It’s meant traveling and seeing what we could of the world. And it’s meant wishing and wanting and dreaming of a future together that may or may not be the future we’re called to.
And it’s meant learning, together, the importance of that third strand. The all-encompassing and absolutely vital need we both have for God to be included in our together. For a cord of three strands? It’s not easily broken.
TIME
Every Friday, Lisa-Jo Baker provides a prompt for “Five-Minute Friday“: Write for five minutes only–no editing, no rewriting. This week’s prompt is “Together.”
Now, a first for this blog, I’ve got a little survey for you.
On Friday we brought a new kitten into our home. He’s adorable, sweet, and oh so tiny. Our other cat (the world’s best cat, by the way, though I realize I haven’t really talked about him much) is kind of ticked about the whole thing, but I think (hope) he and the kitten with eventually be friends. And the kitten totally freaked when we introduced him to the dogs, though as of yesterday they are good buddies. (Please ignore DH–pretend he’s just the couch in this picture. Ha ha.)
But DH and I can’t decide on a name.
So I thought I’d put it out there for you guys. Our other cat is Vito–officially on his vet records Don Vito Corelone–after the Godfather. He is exactly what Marlon Brando would look like were he a cat (or, we think so anyway). So we decided to name the new kitten after a great author or another fabulous fiction character.
This is Vito, modelling his bow tie for Christmas last year.
Please pick a name you like from the poll–or leave a name in the comments. I’ll give it until Wednesday and then we’ll have to decide officially . . . cause the poor guy needs a name and I’ve been calling him by each option in turn (or, occasionally, several options strung together).
Guys–I’m taking a break from my “They Were Called” series. It’s not necessarily finished, but I know if I write a post on it today (and maybe even if I do it next week) it will be forced and not inspired and, well, that would be a waste. I’ve really enjoyed studying some of these men and women who were called to do great things. Some got to do what they wanted, some were called to better, some were called to different. But they were all called by God. And God equipped them to fulfill their callings, even if the equipping sometimes meant allowing trials and difficulties in their lives. Like Hannah, who wouldn’t have been motivated to give Samuel over to God if not for her infertility, I like to think that I am being used by God in some way while I wait. I have more people I want to write about–Abraham (and Sarah), Joseph, Elizabeth–but I can’t do it justice today. So please forgive this “pause” on my series. I have other things to write, other things I want to focus on right now. But I will come back to this, God willing.
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If you missed one of the posts in the series, you can access them all here or individually:
I know it’s supposed to be mundane, or tedious, or piling up so high that you don’t know if you’ll ever see the bottom of the basket again, but I actually have a fondness for doing laundry.
This is, at least in part, because it’s a new chore for me. I didn’t do it much growing up, and DH was always so particular about how he wanted things washed that he did the laundry once we got married. Well, kind of. I guess I did most of the folding when it didn’t just sit around in baskets so long we didn’t know anymore if it was clean or dirty. . . .
We got a new washer and dryer this spring. They’re pretty. And I guess they were expensive. Our dryer died, and we only had to get a new dryer. And really we didn’t have to, because clothes will actually dry on their own after a while. But I wanted a matching set and we had hand-me-downs and, well, we expected we’d be buying a new washer and dryer at some point so it wasn’t so bad.
I think DH will tell you all that it was well worth it though. I LOVE having them. And I do the laundry now. All of it. And quite efficiently (thanks FLY Lady!).
Laundry is a part of my day. And it makes me feel so accomplished. We sort the clothes as we use them, so I don’t have to do that. I just grab a bag and take it to the washer and put it in. When the washer buzzes, it’s like a little moment for me to check my time. What have I been doing? Am I using my time efficiently? Should I stop what I’m doing now and do something else?
Let me tell you, as a stay at home lady with a (kind of) job–I need those little reminders to keep my day on track.
I move the clothes to the dryer and get another little check on my time when that beeps. I fold the clothes, and I put them away. No more piles of clean shirts mixing in, over time, with dirty underwear. Success!
Laundry for me is a little note in my day that says, “You’ve done something useful with your time.” And I honestly love it.
I know. I’m weird. I’m okay with that.
TIME
Every Friday, Lisa-Jo Baker provides a prompt for “Five-Minute Friday“: Write for five minutes only–no editing, no rewriting. This week’s prompt is “Laundry.”
Also, about laundry: I made the stand (yay!), and I keep laundry baskets underneath it (I can post about how I did that if anyone is interested . . . but I’ve never really done that kind of post before). And, lately, I’ve actually been using a homemade laundry soap (no artificial colors, fragrances, dyes). I’ll share more on that later.
Lately I’ve been feeling like the ball in a ping pong game. I’ve been vacillating between so many things: trust and self-reliance, optimism and pessimism, excitement and fear . . .
For the most part, I’m doing much (so much!) better today than I was 6 months ago. But since the school year started, bringing with it the renewal of my responsibilities in my Bible study and other activities, I’ve been having a difficult time making my schedule work. And I’m just so tired. I think this tiredness opens a door to let the peace I held so securely all summer just drift away. I know I can take it back: it’s been offered to me and I just need to re-acknowledge it. But I am too tired to reach out and grab it. Or that’s how I feel.
Instead of feeling secure and patient in our waiting, I’ve been starting to feel overwhelmed. I’m excited to start treatment–and eager to fast forward through to December/January when we’ll begin significant medical interventions. But I’m also okay with waiting, not wanting to have to do all the things I need to do between now and actually getting started. Things like finding a new doctor or getting our finances in order. And I don’t want to be caught up in all of it again and lose sight of today, of the crispness in the air right now or even enjoying dinner and my favorite TV shows–not to mention post-season Cardinals baseball!–with my dear and wonderful husband.
And then I find that I can’t even imagine myself pregnant. What will it be like? I used to picture a round belly growing under my shirt, but now when I try I just see me. I’ve begun to look forward to things other than parenting–to the possibility of seminary or even to writing more. I’ve entertained notions I never entertained, like being actually employed somewhere full-time as a teacher or even in an office and enjoying it. Like having a career. Stuff I never really thought about wanting. It’s weird. So weird.
And then I have complete opposite moments. Moments of denial. How is that still coming up? But yesterday I was sitting and thinking that maybe this whole IF thing was a dream. Or maybe it’s just temporary and I’m going to wake up tomorrow and get pregnant like a normal person from now on. Other moments spent daydreaming decorating a nursery, maybe for two.
And then pinching myself, reminding myself to be present, to be here and to do what God wants me to do today.
We got some disappointing news last week. DH’s company isn’t actually going to cover our infertility treatments. It’s okay. I mean, we are blessed to have savings that we can use. Praise God. We are so grateful that this doesn’t mean we aren’t able to move forward. But it is a disappointment. Apparently insurance premiums are going up 8 percent just to keep the coverage we already have and adding infertility would cost an additional 10 percent on top of that for DH’s company. When they ran the numbers they came to the conclusion that they couldn’t afford it. I was more worried, but DH–who has a better handle on our financial situation anyway–reassured me last night. We can afford our treatments. And it’s okay. And God already knew this would happen. But, well, like the other people in his office who probably could also benefit from IF coverage (if 1 in 8 couples are affected, I’m sure we’re not the only ones), I think I’d just prefer not to have been told we’d be receiving coverage only to find out we aren’t.
I made appointments on Monday for us to check out two different REs in Houston. We’ll meet with the first one this Monday. The second one isn’t until November–and I may cancel that if we like the first doctor. So, we’re making concrete steps.
And I’m mostly optimistic, mostly trusting, and mostly excited–but still feeling a bit tossed from one end of the table to the other.
I’ve been trying to write today and nothing is working. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
I wanted to come and write about Anna. I believe her calling was something she never would have expected or imagined–especially as a young woman. And I still do want to write about her because I think her story is especially powerful. I also think it’s important to lift up a woman who God used for his glory even though she probably did not get what she initially wanted in life. Even though she likely did not have children. Even though her husband died after only seven years of marriage. I don’t know what Anna wanted out of life. I can’t know that. But it’s not far fetched to think she would have expected to settle down with her husband for life or to have several children.
And I think it is important to be reminded that sometimes God’s plans are going to take us somewhere we never would have picked or somewhere we never thought we’d go. I don’t know if that’s what happened to Anna, but from my perspective, knowing what I know about who I am and how I feel while I’m waiting, it makes sense.
So I wanted Anna to be part of my series. Part of my series about people who were called but who faced adversity getting to where God wanted them to be. But Anna doesn’t quite fit. And so this Monday is a post that doesn’t quite fit. And I just don’t feel up to rounding out the corners and smoothing it in and pretending it belongs where it doesn’t.
Apologies if that’s confusing for anyone . . .
So Anna: She was one of the first witnesses to proclaim Jesus as savior. She was in the temple when Mary and Joseph brought their 40-day-old baby to be presented, and she knew who he was when she saw him. We don’t know a lot about Anna. The Biblical account of her is only three verses long. It tells us a lot about her character, a little about her heritage, and next to nothing about the man she married or the children she may or may not have had. Anything outside of these verses is conjecture or inference, so take what I write with a grain of salt. Unlike David–whose life story could fill pages without any embellishment to the Biblical account–Anna’s moment in recorded history is just that: a moment.
And there [in the temple] was a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was advanced in years, having lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin, and then as a widow until she was 84 [or, for 84 years, depending on how you translate the Greek]. She did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day. And coming up at that very hour [as Jesus was being presented], she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem” (Luke 2:36-38).
Apparently, many people take that last part–“to speak of him”–as an indication that she went around Jerusalem proclaiming the good news of the awaited Messiah’s birth. This would make her the first evangelist of the gospel–though more of a prophet of the Messiah than a recounting of what had been done, since Jesus was still an infant at the time.
Anna was very old–either 84 or over 100 depending on how you translate the verse–but apparently in good health. She could see, she could speak clearly, and she was able to move around well enough. And she offers this beautiful picture of a woman who walked closely enough with God as to recognize when she was in his presence. While Jesus was yet an infant, she recognized who he was.
She also offers us a model of devotion in the midst of tragedy.
Anna lost her husband after seven years of marriage–I personally think marriage without children–and she responded by dedicating herself wholly to God. As a young widow, she had every right to remarry. No one would have thought a thing about it if she’d found a new husband. I can imagine many friends and family members eagerly trying to connect her with this or that eligible bachelor.
We don’t know why she didn’t marry again. Did she not find the right man? Was she not sought after? Or did she know this was simply not God’s plan for her life? Either way, we see no sign of bitterness in Anna. No sign of grief. No sign of mourning. After up to 84 years as a widow, she has not only worked through any disappointment, but she has rooted herself in God, depending on him, trusting him, and giving herself completely to him.
I wonder how often she may have mediated on Isaiah 54:4-5:
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”
Either way, God had a plan for her life. And I can’t imagine that her life went as she may have imagined it. But I take comfort–and perhaps she did too–in knowing that God knew it all before hand. He wanted her to be where she was and when she was so she would know him. And he wants the same for me.
And he [God] made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us” (Acts 17:26-27).
Thanks be to God for loving me enough to put me in my circumstances and to draw me unto himself.
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This is {kind of} episode 6 of my “They Were Called” series. If you want to follow along, I am posting on Mondays. For previous episodes, see:
So, my mom and grandmother are here this week! I’m so excited they traveled all the way from St. Louis to see me. Since they’re here, I prepared this post, on Jonah, a few days ago. I probably won’t be able to blog again until next Monday’s installment of this series, but look for more from me next week!
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I had a dream a few nights ago. DH and I were in a remote swamp. It was unlike any place I’ve ever seen in real life—the kind of scene that might show up in a movie or one of those reality shows about people who live deep in the wilderness lowlands. There we were, filthy and just sitting around in the mud. Weak waves kept washing up on the bank of some murky body of water, and time after time they deposited what I can only describe as manna on the shore.
The “manna” appeared in different forms, like marzipan animals and homemade cookies. It was a melt-in-your-mouth kind of delicacy. The kind of rare treat that makes you happy deep down in your being. When I woke up, I had a message in my mind. I distinctly felt God was saying that as long as I still want my own way, I’m not trusting him.
When I told DH this great insight that had been revealed to me in my sleep, he looked at me funny and accused me of stating the obvious. And maybe it seems obvious to you, too. But it hit me. I keep saying I trust God, and then I keep asking him, “Please, oh please, can’t we just do it this way?”
Which brings us to Jonah. Jonah made no bones about his dislike for God’s plan. When God told him to preach to Nineveh, he didn’t just refuse to go, he hopped a boat in the exact opposite direction. Have you been there, too? At the heart of his disobedience was the same sin I struggle with: A belief that his way and his ideals were better than God’s.
While Jonah wanted the Ninevites doomed to destruction, God wanted them to repent and turn to him. If it had been up to Jonah, they wouldn’t have had a chance at rescue. But it wasn’t.
We saw in Moses that sometimes God calls us to do things we don’t really want to do. Moses didn’t feel equipped to answer God’s call. He didn’t question God’s desire to rescue the Israelites from their Egyptian masters, simply God’s determination of who would represent the rescuer. While Moses’ cries of “please pick someone else” can be chalked up to his great humility, it’s hard to find any virtue of Jonah’s that even begins to justify his willful disobedience.
The book of Jonah starts with his call:
“The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me” (Jonah 1:1-2).
Sometimes I find myself hoping for such a clear call. But what if, like Jonah, I hear something I didn’t want to hear? Would I do as Jonah does?
“But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord” (Jonah 1:3).
The story that follows is commonly told to children. A storm comes up and ultimately Jonah is thrown overboard to satisfy God and save the ship. Jonah, in fact, tells the crew to throw him into the sea. It seems he would rather die than do as God has commanded. But God isn’t going to let him off that easily: he provides a great fish that swallows Jonah. Jonah resides in its belly for three days and nights.
We can safely surmise that Jonah isn’t having a good week. And when you’ve hit rock bottom—or the innards of a fish—isn’t it only natural to turn to the only one who can pull us out of the deepest pit?
That’s what he does. He prays to God. He calls out to God and thanks him for providing rescue. And even then, I think, he tries to make a case for why he did what he did. He says, “Those who cling to worthless idols [like the Ninevites] turn away from God’s love for them” (Jonah 2:8).
“But,” he says, “I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord’” (2:9).
In modern vernacular: “God, those Ninevites who prefer idols over you and your love don’t deserve to be saved. But, even though I don’t want to, I will sacrifice my desires to yours. I’ll do what you want, I’ll tell them how they can be saved, and I’ll praise you all the while.”
He seems noble in this moment, right? But still a little bit unsurrendered. There’s still that “I don’t like it, but I’ll do it” tone, isn’t there? Oh man, I keep seeing more of me in Jonah than I care to admit.
So, “the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land” (2:10). Gross, right?
And Jonah preaches to the Ninevites. And Lo! They believed God. They start moping about, showing their repentance. They fast. They dress in sackcloth—from the king down to the animals (yep, even the animals had to wear that itchy stuff). And the king announces, “Let everyone call urgently on God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Who knows? God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish” (3:8b-9).
They don’t try to justify their evil behavior. They don’t moralize their way out of recognizing their sin. They just repent. The “evil” Ninevites offer us a better example of repentance than God’s own prophet. And God does indeed relent.
So, Jonah is called to prophesy. He runs away. He relents and does what God told him. And he’s fully learned through his traumatizing fish-belly experience that God’s plans are greater and better than his, right?
Let’s see: “But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry. He prayed to the Lord, ‘Isn’t this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity’” (4:1-2).
Fail. Jonah is again justifying his earlier disobedience. I guess it’s a good thing for him that what he says about God is true: God is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love–even to Jonah. But God points out, and then shows Jonah in a way that we can only hope does get through, that he doesn’t have any right to be angry about what happened.
It’s easy to look at Jonah and say, “Man, that guy really messed up.” But then I have to look at myself and say, “Man, this girl really messes up.” And that’s not quite as fun as critiquing Jonah.
Jonah’s calling was straightforward, but he ran away from it. He didn’t want to go through with what God asked him. His challenges in accomplishing his call were pretty much entirely his own doing. Is God calling you to do something that you’ve been putting off? Have you been running away from God?
I have. I’ve felt the call to apply to seminary for several years. And I’ve made excuses and tried to push it behind me and pretended like maybe that’s not really what God wanted.
No more excuses. I’ve said it before, but I’m applying this year. If God wants me to go to seminary, I’ll go next fall … or whenever he desires, I guess. I don’t fully understand why or fully agree that this is what I should be doing. My plan is different. My plan is to have babies and stay home with them and maybe go to seminary when they are grown. But I guess it’s time to give up my plan and really put my trust in God. And, trusting God means choosing his plan over mine.
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This is episode 5 of my “They Were Called” series. If you want to follow along, I am posting on Mondays. For previous episodes, see:
Dwell in Me 