Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day


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Time Flies

He’s one. Almost thirteen months. And the time has soared by. And he’s nursing less and less and needing nourishment and cuddling from me physically. And I know that special relationship we have is coming to an end. And I am okay with that mentally, but emotionally I’m a wreck.

And the demands of school are sometimes overwhelming. I can’t finish my homework. It’s always hanging over me like a dark cloud or a nagging parent. And I sit and read and study and look up Greek words and puzzle over Hebrew verbs while my son keeps growing, changing, and wanting more attention.

And today was his first day at a “preschool” (which is really just daycare, right?) and I got a lot of homework done, but it will be a while before I’m caught up. I got to see him for about two hours today: getting ready in the moring and driving to his school and then after school to drop him off with his daddy so I could go to class. I missed that little guy so much today.

And it’s weird how time flies by these days, when the days before we were expecting, when we were still yearning, sometimes seemed to simply drag on for weeks and weeks. Why is time seemingly so out of balance? Why are the moments we want to hold on to the most the ones that seem most fleeting?

And it’s weird, having your heart beat in someone else’s chest.

And especially weird when that heartbeating is happening in some other place than where you are.

And he’ll go back to preschool on Thursday. A school full of love, where they are speaking Spanish and playing and doing interesting art projects and eating healthy food. But I don’t like sharing him all that much–so far.

The hope is that two days a week for me to do my homework will be enough so that I can focus on him on the other days. And in that way, the time we do have together should be quality time, right?

I won’t be caught up after Thursday, so it may take a little while to see the fruits of the plan. In the meantime, well, I suppose life goes this way sometimes.

Sigh.

And for some reason it’s no surprise to me that I haven’t written since August. I haven’t really felt motivated to write–except in my baby journal, which I can hardly keep up with. And I haven’t felt I have the time for it.

And tonight I’m thinking about all my friends out there who are so longing to have that heartbeat in someone else, that one they’ll grow and love on and give everything for. The one that will hurt so much to be apart from for a day. And I am sending some sweet thoughts and prayers your way tonight.

And remembering that I am so very blessed. In the mess and in the emotional roller coaster and in the husband who puts up with me and my crazy and in especially my little boy who likes to play in the dirt.

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Lessons from Seminary

I am so blessed to be in seminary! I am more sure than ever that this is where I’m supposed to be right now. I was so nervous, and frankly I had a bad attitude about some of the classes I’m required to take for my degree. I’m interested in the academic study, and wasn’t looking forward at all to classes like “Spiritual Life” or “Evangelism.”

I had my first Spiritual Life class last night, and I’m happy to say I’m a convert. I LOVED it. It promises to offer so much spiritual growth. True, it’s not an academic class, but as my professor wisely pointed out, there is little merit in gaining academic knowledge if the heart and soul are getting left behind. Throughout the two-hour meeting I could just feel the Holy Spirit working in my heart, changing my perspective. What great joy! My evangelism class is tomorrow, but I’m looking forward to it now. I just have a completely differnt attitude.

Coffee Love

My professor, Bruce Fong, is also a dean at the Houston campus of DTS. More importantly, he is a man with an obvious heart for the Lord. He imparted so much wisdom in two hours–and half of that time was spent going over the syllabus!–that I could probably write three different blog posts based on the insights gained through him in one class. I feel so blessed to be in this class, and before yesterday I was absolutely dreading it and expecting it to be a waste of time. Amazing how God can change a heart and attitude so quickly!

One of the things he talked about was the importance of asking for things in Jesus’ name. Jesus says,

“Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.” (John 14:13-14).

But what does it mean to ask for something in Jesus name? There are plenty of things I’ve asked for that I haven’t gotten in the end. And I always add, “In Jesus’ name I pray” at the end of my prayers. I had never thought that I may be missing a key element.

What Dr. Fong said last night is that we are good at asking for things, but not as good as asking in Jesus’ name, in his character, in line with who he is and his goals for us, as one who walks closely with him. As my professor said, if we ask for something because we want it for ourselves, we aren’t asking in Jesus’ name. But if we can become like Jesus in our prayers, we will see our prayers answered out of his divine power (2 Peter 1:3-4).

Wow.

To ask in the name of Jessus, I need to grow more in my relationship with him. I need to seek to know what he wants and what his goals are for me and for my life. And then I can be confident that what I ask will be given to me.

I am glad to have this new insight to guide me and help me grow in my prayer life and in my relationship with my Lord. And I am feeling confident that he will answer my request that I might grow deeper roots in my faith this semester. Praise the Lord!


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Blessed

So Mother’s Day happened. And I survived. Actually, it was much better than last year’s. DH got me some lovely flowers and a card signed with four paw prints from our fur-babies. And we’re going to see Jesus Christ Superstar in about a month–which was, I suppose, an easing the blow/maybe soon gift to take the edge off.

I seriously love  Jesus Christ Superstar. I know it doesn’t tell the whole story, but I grew up listening to the records–yes records–every year over Easter weekend. This year, DH and I spent Easter in Colorado on a mountaintop at sunrise. And it was magnificent. But I didn’t get to listen to the music. I am so touched at the thought he put into this gift on what can be such a very difficult day.

I think things were much improved this year because we have so much hope that our time is coming soon. It’s either that, or I’ve become really detached from our infertility. Or maybe a little bit of both.

Our infertility isn’t causing the stress, the emotional duress, or the feelings of disappointment lately. Maybe I’m in the “acceptance” stage of grief. Or maybe I’m back in denial–espeically since we are actively pursuing treatments right now and any month could be the month. Either way, I’m grateful for the stability, for the peace, and for not feeling particularly distraught on Sunday. It all feels like a few enormous steps forward for me. Sigh. Happy, peaceful sigh.

And, I’ve been a negligent blogger lately. Well, I could make excuses. I seem to be neglecting the blog more and more lately, and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have anything worth saying again. I’m sure I will. Today’s post might not be it, but maybe the next one will. And if I keep posting I know two things to be true: 1. I’ll get back in the rhythm of the life I want to have and 2. the writing (and messages) will improve. And I so want that.

I also want to take some time this summer to make some improvements to this blog. This will involve posting more regularly, of course. And doing some research on interneting. And stay tuned for a new name and new look–hopefully soon.

I’m officially starting seminary this fall. It’s exciting and overwhelming and wonderful. I’m so looking forward to it–and I need to do a few things to get myself fit to return to school. That’s an aside. Because it’s an exciting anouncement and I make it on the heels of having done a serious amount of work to submit my application. But it feels weird to dedicate a post to it. So here. A little, tiny bit of Internet space.

I am feeling truly, completely, magnificenty blessed today. And I’m amazed to be able to feel this way in light of everything else. And so very, very grateful.

I hope this week is a joy-filled week for you. And I hope, also, that it marks my return to regular posting. Though I suppose only time will tell on that account.