He’s one. Almost thirteen months. And the time has soared by. And he’s nursing less and less and needing nourishment and cuddling from me physically. And I know that special relationship we have is coming to an end. And I am okay with that mentally, but emotionally I’m a wreck.

And the demands of school are sometimes overwhelming. I can’t finish my homework. It’s always hanging over me like a dark cloud or a nagging parent. And I sit and read and study and look up Greek words and puzzle over Hebrew verbs while my son keeps growing, changing, and wanting more attention.

And today was his first day at a “preschool” (which is really just daycare, right?) and I got a lot of homework done, but it will be a while before I’m caught up. I got to see him for about two hours today: getting ready in the moring and driving to his school and then after school to drop him off with his daddy so I could go to class. I missed that little guy so much today.

And it’s weird how time flies by these days, when the days before we were expecting, when we were still yearning, sometimes seemed to simply drag on for weeks and weeks. Why is time seemingly so out of balance? Why are the moments we want to hold on to the most the ones that seem most fleeting?

And it’s weird, having your heart beat in someone else’s chest.

And especially weird when that heartbeating is happening in some other place than where you are.

And he’ll go back to preschool on Thursday. A school full of love, where they are speaking Spanish and playing and doing interesting art projects and eating healthy food. But I don’t like sharing him all that much–so far.

The hope is that two days a week for me to do my homework will be enough so that I can focus on him on the other days. And in that way, the time we do have together should be quality time, right?

I won’t be caught up after Thursday, so it may take a little while to see the fruits of the plan. In the meantime, well, I suppose life goes this way sometimes.

Sigh.

And for some reason it’s no surprise to me that I haven’t written since August. I haven’t really felt motivated to write–except in my baby journal, which I can hardly keep up with. And I haven’t felt I have the time for it.

And tonight I’m thinking about all my friends out there who are so longing to have that heartbeat in someone else, that one they’ll grow and love on and give everything for. The one that will hurt so much to be apart from for a day. And I am sending some sweet thoughts and prayers your way tonight.

And remembering that I am so very blessed. In the mess and in the emotional roller coaster and in the husband who puts up with me and my crazy and in especially my little boy who likes to play in the dirt.