Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day



So Mother’s Day happened. And I survived. Actually, it was much better than last year’s. DH got me some lovely flowers and a card signed with four paw prints from our fur-babies. And we’re going to see Jesus Christ Superstar in about a month–which was, I suppose, an easing the blow/maybe soon gift to take the edge off.

I seriously love  Jesus Christ Superstar. I know it doesn’t tell the whole story, but I grew up listening to the records–yes records–every year over Easter weekend. This year, DH and I spent Easter in Colorado on a mountaintop at sunrise. And it was magnificent. But I didn’t get to listen to the music. I am so touched at the thought he put into this gift on what can be such a very difficult day.

I think things were much improved this year because we have so much hope that our time is coming soon. It’s either that, or I’ve become really detached from our infertility. Or maybe a little bit of both.

Our infertility isn’t causing the stress, the emotional duress, or the feelings of disappointment lately. Maybe I’m in the “acceptance” stage of grief. Or maybe I’m back in denial–espeically since we are actively pursuing treatments right now and any month could be the month. Either way, I’m grateful for the stability, for the peace, and for not feeling particularly distraught on Sunday. It all feels like a few enormous steps forward for me. Sigh. Happy, peaceful sigh.

And, I’ve been a negligent blogger lately. Well, I could make excuses. I seem to be neglecting the blog more and more lately, and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have anything worth saying again. I’m sure I will. Today’s post might not be it, but maybe the next one will. And if I keep posting I know two things to be true: 1. I’ll get back in the rhythm of the life I want to have and 2. the writing (and messages) will improve. And I so want that.

I also want to take some time this summer to make some improvements to this blog. This will involve posting more regularly, of course. And doing some research on interneting. And stay tuned for a new name and new look–hopefully soon.

I’m officially starting seminary this fall. It’s exciting and overwhelming and wonderful. I’m so looking forward to it–and I need to do a few things to get myself fit to return to school. That’s an aside. Because it’s an exciting anouncement and I make it on the heels of having done a serious amount of work to submit my application. But it feels weird to dedicate a post to it. So here. A little, tiny bit of Internet space.

I am feeling truly, completely, magnificenty blessed today. And I’m amazed to be able to feel this way in light of everything else. And so very, very grateful.

I hope this week is a joy-filled week for you. And I hope, also, that it marks my return to regular posting. Though I suppose only time will tell on that account.


Mother’s Day and Ugly Cries

And it’s Mother’s Day.

It’s the second Mother’s Day since we started TTC, but the first since our IF was officially diagnosed.

I’ve kind of been wondering how I would feel today. And I’ve enjoyed some really great blog posts about Mother’s Day and how to be kind to those of us who are waiting or who have suffered miscarriages or who have lost their own mothers. If you’re interested, here are a couple of links I really appreciated in the lead up to today: The Pains of Motherhood, Part 1 (Infertility) and An Open Letter to Pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day}.

DH is working today. (He works a shift schedule, though soon he will have a normal M-F schedule again!) I try to go to church even when he’s working, but decided in advance today that I would just watch it instead. Our church has a live webstream of the service. I am glad I stayed home.

I think I could have handled the “all the mothers please stand part.” And the video at the beginning of the sermon with a pregnant mom encouraging her little girl to talk to her soon-to-be baby sister wasn’t too bad. It really had me hoping that someday I would get to experience that–though that would mean two pregnancies and I don’t know how I can wish for that when the chance for one (without medical or miracle interference) is exactly zero.

But the video at the end. That’s when I was really glad I’d stayed home. I sobbed through it. And not sweet, “Oh, bless her heart, she loves her momma” sobs. They were ugly cries.

It’s been a while since I’ve cried like that, and I think I needed it. But I’m glad I didn’t have to share my tears with our congregation.

To all of you who are pregnant or enjoying Mother’s Day with your children today, Happy Mother’s Day. And to those of you who have babies waiting for you in heaven, Happy Mother’s Day. And to my own mom and dear, sweet mother-in-law, I will wish Happy Mother’s Day. And for those of us still waiting–hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day. And who knows what God has in store for us next?