I’ve been thinking a lot about my perspective lately. I’ve definitely been acting like it’s all about me, but of course it’s not. I have good days and bad days, days of denial and days when I can’t think about anything but our barrenness. But I think I’m gradually beginning to accept that this is who I am, who we are, and what we’re going through.
I just started reading The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler for our small group. I read chapter 1 yesterday. A few things stood out to me.
1. God is in control. He can affect the tiny things and the big things. Chandler even mentions that God is in control of mitosis. Those little body processes have so much to influence on our fertility, but God is bigger than that and he can fix that–if he wants to.
2. We live in a fallen world. Matt Chandler writes (and I’m paraphrasing here) that because we live in a fallen world, we shouldn’t be surprised when things go poorly. Instead, we should realize that when things actually go the way we want or the way we hope that God has done something wonderful for us.
3. I was created to worship and glorify God. My job is to glorify him, in whatever way he allows me to do that. I wasn’t created because he needed me and he doesn’t owe me anything.
I have a lot of friends on facebook whose posts I read but who I probably wouldn’t still have a relationship with otherwise. Some of them were never really friends to begin with and others just aren’t my friends now more because our circumstances or careers or locations aren’t amenable to maintaining a friendship. Yesterday my attention was drawn to a prayer request from one of the women in that latter group. Her sister, a college student, has just been diagnosed with a terrible and painful disease that takes the life of 1 out of 3 people who get it. This friend provided a link to her sister’s Caring Bridge site and I was blown away by her family’s faith. The journal articles her mom writes are so glorifying to God in the midst of this very dark time in their daughter’s life.
I was especially touched by one story the girl’s mom recorded. She said that on the day their daughter was admitted to the ICU, her husband received a text message asking why such a bad thing would happen to such a good person. The mother refuted first that her daughter was “good,” saying only Christ is good and that her daughter would say the same thing. When they asked their daughter how her dad should respond to the “why” question, she signed to them (because the disease has made it impossible for her to speak) that she was going through this “because God loves me.”
There’s something so deep and so true and so convicting in that sentiment. And there’s something that eludes me there, too. I want to have faith to believe that we’re going through this because God loves us. I want to believe that we are dealing with infertility because God loves us. I’m trying to believe it.
Romans 8:28 “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
October 19, 2012 at 2:17 am
Loved your post. I too found myself becoming totally self absorbed – not realizing others were in pain too, like my mom,she also had to go through congratulating her friends on being grandparents and watching us in misery. It really made me re-look things. I have cried to God, “Why, why, why, I can’t do this anymore” but I know in the end his plan is for the greater good. The coping skills we learn will stand us stead fast in the future when babies do come! My husband and I have drawn closer and our marriage will be on strong foundations when it’s time for a family. Perhaps all these things needed to be in place. Another friend said to me, “I know you are trying to be proactive, but God doesn’t need you to be, he just wants you to Trust Him”
I feel your pain so deeply and reach out and give you a virtual hug – it’s just such a crap situation to be in, but your faith already has you well on your way to a blessed ending!
October 19, 2012 at 7:56 am
Wow. Thank you for your encouraging words and your hug. Hugs back!
October 19, 2012 at 11:48 am
Loved this post too! I definitely needed to read that right now, so thank you. It’s so hard to let go and trust God to do His thing! I may have to check out that book.