I had a bad day. I’m not going to lie–I was having a pretty good day until TCU lost to Oklahoma State. We played terribly. I know that shouldn’t affect me on such an emotional level. And maybe the fact that it does means I should quit watching football. But then I’d miss out on the good games, too.
I guess losing the game was just another ugly reminder that, no, things aren’t going the way I’d planned in this life. And, yes, I find that devastating.
I want to be positive and upbeat and trusting and patient and joyful. But I’m not right now. I’m on this mad crazy roller coaster and sometimes it drops suddenly.
When it drops I have a strong urge to punch a hole in the wall. I haven’t done it yet. I keep telling DH I want to do it. This is the conversation we had a few hours ago:
Me: I just want to punch a wall.
DH: Don’t. Punch a pillow.
Me: No. I want to put a hole in the wall.
DH: You won’t. You’ll just break your hand.
Me: Well, that would be nice. It would be nice to have something that could be fixed.
Pathetic, I know. But true.
This whole stepping away and recognizing I don’t have the ability to control even one tiny facet of what’s going to happen with our ability to have kids is so hard. I didn’t know I was so attached to the illusion that I could be in control of my life until that illusion was shattered so dramatically. I wish it had been shattered over something else. Almost anything else.
Praying for trust. And peace. Praying for joy. And, always, for healing. For us, and for you.
And, next time I post, I’ll try to post something a little more upbeat. I promise I’ll try.
PS I know joy is supposed to be unaffected by emotion and that I should be joyful even when I am sad. I’m having trouble with that in practice. I’m working on it.
Dwell in Me 
October 28, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Ugh, I can completely relate to everything you just said. Only it’s hockey instead of football for me. But there is no hockey season right now because of the stupid lock out, so right now the only thing that normally gets me through this time of year doesn’t exist, ahhh! Seriously though, I get the punching a hole in a wall and the searching for trust, peace, patience, healing. All in God’s time, but it’s so hard. I’m having a lot more bad than good days lately and so I really don’t have much to offer except to remind you that you are NOT alone! I hope blogging is therapeutic for you, I know it is for me, it helps to be able to get all of my thoughts out and to be able to read about others going through the same thing. Sending lots of hugs and prayers! Somehow we’ll get through this!
October 28, 2012 at 8:47 pm
We will. Of course we will. Sorry about your hockey! I know it stinks. Thanks for your kind words. And yes, blogging is good therapy–and so cost effective. (And I haven’t punched any walls yet, so there’s that.)
October 28, 2012 at 9:03 pm
I’m sorry. You are so right that infertility shows us the lack of control we have over certain aspects of our life, and it’s definitely very upsetting! I wish you better days ahead. And please always feel free to vent- that’s what these blogs are for. All of us ladies understand and will not get down on you if you’re not positive all the time. Hugs!