Every Friday, Lisa-Jo Baker provides a prompt for “Five-Minute Friday“: Write for five minutes only–no editing, no rewriting. This week’s prompt is “Lonely.” Here goes . . .
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I’ve become all-too familiar with loneliness. It comes with the territory of infertility. And frankly, I’m over it.
Infertility struck at a time when I was destined to feel lonely anyway. New city, new state, new church, new house. Everything that’s new feels so cold and empty before you get to know it. Well, except in Houston, where it’s always humid instead.
When we found out we were infertile, there wasn’t anyone local to turn to–not that we would have turned to anyone anyway. We were shocked. And scared. Lonely anyway, embarrassed by a diagnosis we never expected.
We slowly told a few people. DH’s parents. My parents. Some of our closest friends from DC–which wasn’t our “back home” but somehow felt like it. But at some level, they can’t relate. And it’s harsh to say that, but it feels true. Even now, when I know that I’m not the only one who suffers, that we all carry our own little secrets and challenges and battle scars. But I suffer in this way, a way that seems unfamiliar and unrelatable to my mommy-friends who have more toddler than they can handle right now and like to offer, “take mine.”
But Lonely and I have been fighting and Lonely is losing. I’m kicking it out. I’m meeting people. Getting deep–though maybe not as deep as I could. We still play infertility tight to the chest until we’re sure and it’s necessary, and the knowing might somehow help the other person.
Feeling less lonely nonetheless. And thankful. For the things we have learned. For the little battles over loneliness that we have won. For a God who lets me know every time I need to know it, that he is here and he knows and he understands.
TIME
August 9, 2013 at 11:04 pm
I do know your pain, or something similar. After so many years, the Dr’s final, it ain’t gonna happen, was like the final nail in a coffin. I keep wondering when it will get easier. One more thing to put in the Father’s hands daily. Great post and thank you for sharing.
August 9, 2013 at 11:14 pm
Thanks. Thanks for commenting. Sorry to hear you’ve been there too. As nice as it is to have community, I hate that anyone else has to go through infertility. But there are blessings in it. I find them when I can bear to look for them.
August 9, 2013 at 11:48 pm
If you’re at all curious about my story, I’ve got two posts that relate to infertility, When Empty Arms Ache: http://claygirlsings.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/when-empty-arms-ache/
and Daughter-A Name of Hope: http://claygirlsings.wordpress.com/2011/02/24/daughter-a-name-of-hope/
August 10, 2013 at 12:35 am
Thanks! I will check them out.
August 10, 2013 at 9:53 am
Thinking of you sweet girl!!! Remembering that God is with you every second of the day, and in HIm, you are never lonely!!!
August 10, 2013 at 10:13 am
So true! Thanks!
August 11, 2013 at 2:23 pm
Good for you for fighting against despair. This was a very moving post.
Laura Hedgecock
http://www.TreasureChestofMemories.com
http://www.twitter.com/LauraLHedgeock
August 11, 2013 at 9:27 pm
Thank you. It was so nice of you to comment.
August 11, 2013 at 3:52 pm
I am so sorry for your hard journey. I pray that God will continue to be with you through all of your life. Keep fighting against loneliness!
August 11, 2013 at 9:29 pm
Thank you for your prayers. God will never leave me or forsake me. What a blessing!