Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day

God Decided How Hard the Winds Should Blow

12 Comments

Ick. I hate infertility. I’m over it.

Yesterday, as my period came (figures it would come the day before my scheduled annual “women’s visit,” but whatever) I just felt done. I’m tired of this. Tired of the monthly reminder that we’re still not pregnant. Tired of still not being pregnant.

I’d been doing so well. And I can’t really put my finger on what’s changed. Maybe it’s been a slow descent into that nagging unsettledness, that feeling of discontent.

The peace I’ve talked about isn’t gone. But maybe it’s on vacation. Or getting ready to head out if I don’t stop it.

And it’s probably hormones talking. But the last few months I’d really been okay. My period came and went and I was largely unfazed. Yesterday was ennui. Today it’s cramps and no real respite from the general blues I’m feeling.

So that’s where I am everybody. Trying to remember that God is good. That he loves me. That he does have a plan and that he gave me the desire for children for a reason.

In the Old Testament part of my Bible reading today I’m in Job. Maybe it’s Job’s fault. It probably doesn’t help that my mornings have started out with a depressing story for the last several days. But I digress…

This verse stood out to me this morning (Job is speaking):

“[God] decided how hard the winds should blow and how much rain should fall.” (Job 28:25)

I’ve been feeling like I’m done with infertility. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown a lot. Aren’t I finished learning and growing through this trial yet?

But that’s for God. God decides how hard the winds should blow.

View from Maya Beach, Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand

View from Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand

Boat anchored in Maya Bay, Thailand

Entering Maya Bay, Thailand

And he will decide when the winds will cease.

“Then [Jesus] got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, ‘Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!’

He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?‘ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

The men were amazed and asked, ‘What kind of man is this? Even the winds and waves obey him!'” (Matthew 8:23-27)

Surely the boat would have survived the storm if Jesus had done nothing. He had nothing to fear and was happy to sleep through the turmoil. But in his mercy, he calmed the storm so the disciples would be at peace.

God will not harm me. I can weather the storm because he won’t let the waves and the winds overpower me. But I can turn to him and lean on him and trust in him. And soon the storm of discontent will pass. And maybe one day, the storm of infertility will also be behind me.

One day. But maybe not today. Maybe today is a day for moping, a day for ibuprofen, a day for heating pads. Sigh.

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12 thoughts on “God Decided How Hard the Winds Should Blow

  1. My wife is having her period right now too. I am still not fully used to how she gets at this time of the month and we have been married seven years.

    • It’s a miserable time of the month made even worse by the desire to be pregnant. Be as sympathetic as you can. Pray for her. Give her chicken soup or ice cream. Bring her ibuprofen or a heating pad. And never comment on any perceived crankiness. That’s my advice for husbands.

  2. I always feel a little down when I get it, too. I let myself be disappointed but try to also remember that a period means ovulation did occur earlier, which is good. I’m sorry you are feeling down, and I am sorry this season of infertility is lasting so long. Praying for you, and big hugs!

  3. I’m pretty sure I ovulate regularly and I usually know when it happens. So AF for me is just a confirmation that we didn’t get a miracle this month either. I so want that miracle! Feeling a bit better now and about to get some sushi, which always helps.

  4. It is ok to have bad days! “A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is the journey where she will become strong!” God DOES have a plan and He is walking this journey with you!

    • Thank you for your encouragement! I appreciate it. How are you doing?

      • I’m doing good. My husband did an mTESE in January, but found nothing. His brother offered to be our donor, but he has had a vasectomy, so he had to have a TESE done. We have now started IVF since it’s the only option with a TESE. It’s been such a long road, but I’m finally at peace with everything and that is the best part.

  5. I wish I had some great word of encouragement, but alas all I have, I’m with you. As of late I feel I’ve been doing really with IF and then suddenly I won’t be. So maybe at least you know you’re not crazy? ha, hope today was better.

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