Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day

Asking, and Still Asking

14 Comments

Do you ever feel a little bit phony?

I’ve been riding a bit of an infertility roller coaster lately. I guess it’s been for the past few weeks, maybe even over a month. I am just so ready to be on the other side of this. So ready.

I think I’ve also reached a place where I think I’ve learned my lessons. Yes, I’ve been blessed in a number of ways by infertility, not least of which is getting connected to some absolutely wonderful men and women who are sitting in this boat with me–or who have been. I’ve grown closer to God and to my husband. I’ve seen intimacy increase in both relationships in ways I never expected. I know I’ve gained a new appreciation for what I’m missing, that I’ll be more joyful and slower to complain when things are tough in pregnancy or after. And I’ve benefited in some tangible ways: I eat better (or at least know better and try to), I’ve eliminated some potentially and actually harmful substances from my skin care routine. I’ve begun some new habits that will hopefully help my house run a bit smoother once I get them all down. And these are all things that will be good for my coming children.

I wouldn’t take it all back. Really I wouldn’t. I’m grateful, honest-to-goodness grateful for the journey that has led me here. But have I learned enough yet? Because I really, really am so ready to move on.

And the phoniness? It comes out on here sometimes, when I want to look like I have things more together than I really do. Mea culpa. Seriously. And I feel it when I’m with the people who don’t know. The ones who ask me, at my Bible study, “How are you?” with that look that says, “I know there’s something hurting you” or “Are you really okay?” or “No really, tell me, how are you?”

And I’m so grateful to have these women who ask me with depth. They know. I know some of them know. I’m 29, I’ve been married almost six years, I live in Texas, and I’m a stay at home wife. They know. But they don’t pry, they just keep asking, “How are you?” and meaning it.

And I keep deflecting. Like today, when I told a dear friend that, well, I have to get my house cleaned for DH’s grandparents who are coming to visit. I do need to do that, by the way. My house is a complete disaster. And I’m not exaggerating (though I really wish I was!). And I know why I’m not telling them, why I’m not exposing myself in that way and why we’re waiting. And I think we have some valid reasons not to tell, beyond just protecting ourselves. So I’m not actually rethinking that decision. Just, I guess, coming to terms with the feeling of phoniness that likes to sneak in.

And then, there’s God’s word. And I read it and I so want some of these things to be true for me specifically, but I don’t know how to take the promises specific to one person, or to one tribe, or to one time and place, and call them mine. I don’t know if they’re mine. And truthfully, the only thing that makes me want to say they are mine is because they line up so well with my will. But in my head I know that God’s will is best.*

And I’ll keep asking. And keep seeking. But I’m not yet claiming. I don’t know if I can, or should. So here I am, God, still waiting. Waiting to hear what your promises are to me. Hoping that, like infertility, having a child is a good gift you have in store for me. And waiting for this trial to end. Please let it end.

Sigh.

Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you. For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, [the door] will be opened.

Or what man is there of you, if his son asks him for a loaf of bread, will hand him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will hand him a serpent? If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good and advantageous gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven [perfect as He is] give good and advantageous things to those who keep on asking him!
(Matthew 7:7-11, AMP)

With family in town from now through Thanksgiving, I’m not sure how consistent I’ll be (they are staying with DH’s parents, or I know I wouldn’t be able to do much blogging). I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately–not by the blog, but by other things–and I am striving to find balance. So, if I’m quiet for oddly long periods, please don’t worry. I’ll be back. I might be back tomorrow. But I appreciate your patience.

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14 thoughts on “Asking, and Still Asking

  1. Me too! Big hugs to you and I totally can commiserate about being so over infertility. You and your hubby are in my prayers, today for comfort, but in the (short term) future, a baby.

  2. Girl. He already knows the appointed time of your children to enter this world – He NEVER delays!!! His burden is easy and light, find your rest in Him. Praying for your appt tomorrow!!

  3. Praying for you and the hubs tomorrow.

    It’s my opinion that it is God’s Will for everyone to be fruitful and to multiply. He created our bodies to function that way and He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He doesn’t change like shifting sands or lie. I believe the devil plants these seeds of doubt in our minds to keep us questioning and therefore ultimately not pursuing to take back what the devil is trying to steal. Don’t let the devil take away your health and you keep holding onto the truth that God wants you to raise Godly children that will seek and save the lost. I am believing with you!

    • Thanks so much for this encouragement and your prayers. I really appreciate any insight into what God is promising all people vs. what he is promising me or other people, you know? Thanks for sharing what God is teaching you.

  4. Thank you for being real with us. It is nice to know I am not the only believer who has these struggles. I am feeling particularly sad about my childlessness right now. DW and I are at a stand still on adoption because we cannot agree on criteria. She is more narrow in her criteria where as I am open to other races and will even go for an open adoption. I am even going against my own personal preferences ( white girl, closed adoption) when it comes to a child because I truly feel called to adopt and I don’t believe God views children by race. This call has gone way beyond me/us wanting to be a dad and is about giving a child a home. I get a bit upset with God and ask why he does not change DW’s heart so that we are on the same page. Most important, I pray for unity as we move forward. To me, God’s heart breaks for the orphan, we are called to adopt a child to love and care for, so why does He have to delay and allow these disagreements?

    Thanks for letting me vent. I don;t normally leave long comments on this blog.

    • I’m so sorry you and your wife are not on the same page about this issue. I will pray that God will give you unity and grow and mature your marriage relationship through this very real and very difficult trial. God knows who your child is already. I believe that is true. And feel free to comment anytime. 🙂

  5. With infertility there’s so much waiting around, feeling like nothing is happening. It can be really frustrating. I hope you get all your questions answered at tomorrow’s appointment, and I’ll be thinking of you guys!

  6. I know how you feel. My husband has non-obstructive azoospermia and we’re in a waiting period (until next May) and it’s excruciating. We’re coming to terms with the idea that we likely won’t find any sperm, and it’s heartbreaking to watch him go through the pain and grieving. We’re a strong bunch, made stronger by the support we find within our community. I hope that all goes well; I’ll be thinking of you.

    • It is so difficult. Thanks for thinking of us. I think the waiting is wearing on me. Trying to be patient and hoping for good results–for both of us. Thanks for commenting.

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