You know that feeling, when you just blink your eyes and realize a month has passed? I can’t believe my last post was February 25!
I wish I had super exciting news to report, and some good excuses for why I’ve been absent and where I’ve been. But I don’t. It’s just been a different season for me lately, and although I’ve been missing writing, I’ve also been knee-deep in those things of life that have to be dealt with. Maybe you’ve been there too? Or maybe you’re much more organized than I am and know how to line up guest posts and keep things going. Ha. Someday maybe I’ll be there.
I’ve had a tough couple of days. To be honest, I’ve been kind of frustrated about our infertility lately. I feel like it should be over already. As we keep waiting for that elusive BFP, this sense that we’re actually trying yet it still hasn’t worked has dredged up a lot of feelings I thought I’d addressed and moved through.
Apparently they were just buried.
For months now I’ve been “so well-adjusted” and happy. I’ve been self-assured and confident that I’ve learned all the lessons God could possibly be teaching me through this trial. As we’ve been studying Joseph’s story and all about suffering in I Peter for my Bible studies, I’ve read along, nodding. “Oh yes,” I’ve thought, “suffering does develop good character in us. Look what it’s done for me!”
But I’m ready to be done with infertility. I’m ready to move on. When will God agree? Can’t I graduate yet?
We went to the rodeo on Saturday. The Houston Livestock show and Rodeo is seriously amazing. And that’s coming from a yankee suburban girl. I went to the rodeo for the first time two years ago. I had no idea what to expect, and I fell in love. We missed the rodeo last year, so this was only my second trip, but it didn’t disappoint.
The Houston Rodeo has an event that, to my understanding, very few other rodeos still have. It’s called mutton busting. In this extreme sport, 5 and 6 year old boys and girls who weigh between 35 and 55 pounds are plopped onto full-grown sheep. They hold on tightly as the sheep (hopefully) runs across a pen.
Sometimes they fall off after a short distance. And other times, the adults waiting at the end struggle to get the children to release the sheep. When they fall off, they almost always bounce back up and wave to the audience.
This is the highlight of the rodeo for me. I’m a little sad I wasn’t given the opportunity to ride a sheep when I was a child, and I fully intend to sign my children up for a ride one day. They may or may not have any say in the matter…
As we sat in the outdoor tent watching the mutton busing prelims, I was feeling so emotional. I kept feeling like I was holding back tears. But there wasn’t anything to cry about.
Over the next few days, I tried to process these feelings. It came as something of a surprise to me, but I realized that I was feeling really frustrated and angry about our situation. I’ve been irritated by the injustice of infertility. Some little part of me keeps welling up and crying out, “not fair!” Like a child.
Where is this coming from? I thought I’d dealt with these feelings. I’ve been matured and made better in my trial, right? I know I’ve been blessed through infertility and yet I lost the ability, for a few days, to find joy in my trial.
I don’t have a moral to the story here. Or even a good metaphor to tie the sheep in (though I kind of wish I did). This is where I’ve been lately. Processing. Evaluating. Re-processing. Re-evaluating. And praying. And asking God to give me some clarity here, and to give me some joy.
It’s easy to blog all the good lessons I’m learning, and the amazing finds in God’s word that just make my heart leap. It’s easy, on a blog, to put on a good face and seem like everything’s fine. To play this, “look at me and how I’m blossoming” card. But I guess that’s just part of the picture.
And the other part, the part that’s easier to hide, is the “this is really hard” part. The part that whines, “are we there yet?” The part that still cries out, “It’s not fair!”
I don’t like that part. But it’s a good reminder that I still have a lot to learn. And I guess I always will.
But maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to keep learning it all through infertility? We’ll see where the next month takes us, I guess.
March 25, 2014 at 6:06 pm
I went to the rodeo twice when I lived in Houston and I LOVE mutton busting. It is so cute!
March 26, 2014 at 2:36 pm
I know, right? I don’t know of any better sport. And I like sports. 🙂
March 25, 2014 at 7:24 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. We’ve even done IVF and I still lost that one too. I’m struggling with everything in my life. I don’t seem to find Joy in anything anymore. I have good days and bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe the pain is so strong. I feel like maybe I’ve done something that is causing me to deserve this. People all around me are pregnant. Even those people who aren’t very nice. I’ve given up hope yet still so strongly desire to be a mother. I’m 39 going on 40 and don’t have much time left yet I can’t give up. I wish I could give up and move on. I look at babies and pregnant women and I also think “It’s just not fair!” I do have God in my life and I’m praying for an understanding and Peace. i don’t find myself praying to get pregnant anymore. I’m not sure why. I want to pray for it and believe it will happen but after four losses I can’t see or hope anymore. I pray for you and all of us out there who are in this position. God Bless
March 25, 2014 at 7:38 pm
So sorry for your losses. It’s a hard path we are on, but I do have faith that God can redeem it. It may not be something we see in this life, but God is good. And he loves us. I guess that doesn’t mean we don’t have hard days. God bless you too. Thanks for reading.
March 26, 2014 at 8:40 am
I’m sorry you are not feeling great. I know very well how infertility can make you feel sad for no apparent reason and when least expected. I appreciate the honesty, as I agree it’s easier to only talk about positive learning experiences. I hope happier days will arrive soon. xx
March 26, 2014 at 2:35 pm
Aww, thanks. I’m doing better–but it’s been a tough few days. Still, I’m looking forward to the next attempt.
March 27, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Good for you for being willing to do the harder thing and be honest about the down times. I am sorry you’re at where you’re at. I feel like we think we’ve learned all we can, but we could probably be in the same trial forever and still learn something. Not that I hope that for you!
Mutton bustin is so fun to watch! My little brother did it and won one year!