Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day

Author Archives: Tori


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Not Everything Is Constructive

I’ve been feeling pretty convicted about my last post. I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said about my mom. It’s not that these things weren’t true, but I feel like I should have left out the parts that were pointing out her flaws instead of working through my own experience. It’s a fine line, and I wish I could un-write some of those things. But I can’t (I mean, technically, I could delete them–but it wouldn’t really undo what I’ve already said). So I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. 

Upon re-reading it, some of the parts of that post were clearly written out of my hurt and anger. And I know I should have addressed that with her instead of sharing it with the world. Truthfully, I had addressed those things with her. That conversation we had continued for four hours because she wanted to make sure we resolved things before we parted. And we had. So it was wrong of me to rehash the especially bad parts here.

I know it’s my blog and my place to vent and that I am free to say what I want, but I have been reminded of I Corinthians 10:23: “‘Everything is permissible’–but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’–but not everything is constructive.” So I ask forgiveness for dishonoring my mom in my last post–it wasn’t necessary, and it wasn’t right.

At the end of the day, I know my mom loves me. We are very different people, but she means well. Maybe she’s not the most empathetic person in the world, but she does hurt for me. And I know she was very upset to know that she had hurt me. She just had trouble figuring out how to stop doing it. I do love my mom. And I am very glad she came to visit. And I am glad I have a blog where I can work through some of the most difficult things in this infertility journey in a way that is constructive. The thing is, parts of what I said in my last post simply weren’t constructive.

Thanks for understanding.


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Visit from Mom and Dad

I had a lovely blessing this weekend: My parents came to visit. My dad hadn’t seen our new house yet, and when my mom came last we had just moved in. She was helping us unpack. So it was very nice to have a chance to show them the house now that it is put together and we’ve hung stuff on the walls.

We had a great time while they were here. DH and I took them to NASA headquarters and we visited DH’s parents at their lakehouse. We ate at excellent restaurants, and we really had a wonderful time.

But last night my mom wanted to discuss our infertility stuff. It was their last night here, and we were up until almost 4 am talking. She and I had talked a little about the physical stuff (medicines we were trying, our approximate timeline of upcoming stuff, and so forth), but last night she asked, “Are you happy?”

I told her that I am happy most days, but on the whole I’m sad. I don’t think I’ll ever look back on this period of my life and think, gee, wasn’t that a great time? Remember when we were living in a strange city, we didn’t have a very good social outlet, and we found out we were infertile? Wasn’t it just lovely?

And she didn’t like my answer. She wants me to be happy, of course. But in her mind, the fact that I’m not happy isn’t a fact. It’s something I’m apparently supposed to be either ignoring or doing something about. The hardest part was that she kept telling me that she just knew we would have children someday–if we had faith. She said it more the more I tried to explain to her that, while I appreciated that she was trying to make me feel better, her words weren’t comforting.

I really feel that God is calling me to trust him and to, in a sense, come to terms with the possibility that we won’t have our own children and know that if this happens it will be because that is what is best for us (based on Romans 8:28). It’s not that I think we won’t or that I am not hoping that we will, but that I feel I need to come to a place where I can say honestly that while I hope we will have a family of our own one day, I am okay with the possibility that we won’t.

I’m not there yet. But I’ve gotten close a few times.

I had told her all this before. But it clearly didn’t sink in (or, more likely, she just thinks I’m wrong in my assessment of things). Last night, I told my mom that what she was saying was undermining what I felt like God has been telling me.

And she couldn’t comprehend that.

I just wish she would try to understand. That she would sincerely put herself in our shoes and try to get what it feels like to be here. Or, if that is too much or not possible for her, that she would at least listen when I say, “Mom, what you are saying to me right now hurts me. Believe that if you like, but please stop saying it.” Instead, when I say that to her, she repeats the offending words. Over. And over. And over again.

What she said (though she couldn’t understand why this was hurtful) boiled down to saying that if we had enough faith we would be pregnant. As in, it’s our fault we are still barren.

I don’t believe that is true. Deep down, I know it’s not true.

But it’s hard enough to hear stuff like that from people I don’t know well. It’s so much harder to hear it from my own mom.

Lord, give me strength to love her, even when we don’t see eye to eye. And to recognize that she means well, even when she keeps throwing little barbs at me.

(Note: I am really grateful they came to visit. As hard as last night was, maybe by the end of our 4-hour conversation she came to understand something new. Maybe things will be better next time. I am glad it happened. And I really did have a lovely long weekend with my mom and dad, even if some of last night was depressing.)


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“The Watch”

The WatchWhat could be better than a goofy comedy/alien invasion?

I know what you’re thinking. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You just can’t improve on the ridiculousness of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn,  and co. beyond adding evil aliens.

But wait–what if they throw in a character dealing with infertility?

Early in the movie we see Evan’s (Ben Stiller’s) wife with an OPK. Intriguing.

And later, after continual pestering from Bob (Vince Vaughn) about when he’ll have kids, Evan confesses to him that he’s shooting blanks. The conversation is lighthearted, and the movie certainly doesn’t present a serious view on infertility (and, irritatingly, it makes adoption look like an easy option), but it was kind of nice. (And better, in my opinion, than the more serious but grossly inaccurate portrayal in W./E., which I may write about later.)

Really, the movie is pretty bad, though DH enjoyed it (I’d say it’s a guy movie). The language is terrible, and there are a lot of sexual jokes and comments, so I wouldn’t call it wholesome. But, though many of the reviews of the film complain that the infertility subplot is “uninteresting” and “boring,” I found it nice to see infertility–and male factor infertility at that–portrayed in a comedy. It makes what we’re going through seem more everyday. More culturally relevant.

The normalization of infertility in our culture could really do good things for those of us in the trenches. It would be nice if infertility were something people looked at like other medical conditions instead of something to feel embarrassed or secretive about. It would be nice if more people recognized the difficulty of infertility (even if they haven’t experienced it) and could better sympathize with those of us going through it.

And I think cultural references, even in silly movies, are a great place to start.


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Liebster Nominees

So the lovely ladies over at Two Good Eggs (whose wonderful blog has the uncanny ability to make me laugh when I’m feeling down) nominated me for a Liebster award and gave me a list of questions to answer. Thank you for thinking of me! As far as I can make out, the rules are that I have to answer their questions. After that, I make my 10 nominations (check them out in the links below!) and post 11 questions for them. Then my nominees get to pass it on. (And the circle never ends?)

Here goes:

1. What was your worst job and why?

I had an amazing job turned nightmare a couple of years ago. I worked as a copyeditor and had a dream of a boss. The material was interesting, I had my own office, and I loved my coworkers. And then– it went something like: “Surprise! Meet your new boss. This guy is great. He doesn’t know anything about what he is supposed to be an expert in, he’ll yell at you in front of people to make himself feel bigger, and he’ll treat the people around you like dirt.” After a few months of that, I went to the HR director and said, “I’ll work from home or I’m leaving. And as long as he’s here, I won’t be the last to go.” I left. And that’s when I started my own business. DH calls it my problem with authority. (The bully boss lasted a few more months. Everyone else in the department under him left before he did. I think he was fired, but I’m not certain.)

2. What do you notice first when meeting someone?

I’m REALLY bad with faces. If you’re wearing a name tag, I will notice how you spell your name. If you’re not wearing a name tag, I will imagine how you spell your name. Or I will ask you how you spell your name. Later, I’ll remember that I met a person with a particular name. And I’ll remember pertinent details of whatever conversation we had. But I might as well have been blind, because I wouldn’t be able to describe the person’s face after just one meeting.

3. What is your favorite condiment? What do you put it on?

Barbecue sauce. I put it on french fries, hamburgers, pulled any kind of meat… you know, the normal stuff barbecue sauce belongs on.

4. What’s your favorite sexual position?

The one that gets me knocked up. Or, since it appears that may not happen in the standard way, ummmm…

5. Why did the chicken cross the road?

I’m pretty sure that was where the fertility clinic was.

6. What was your worst idea ever? Did you act on it?

DH wanted to run a marathon. I had never run a race before (not even a 5k). But I was working a terrible job (see no. 1), and running at the end of the day helped me destress. So I told him I’d run with him. That wasn’t the worst idea, but insisting on “just running” and not doing any crosstraining beforehand may have been. My knee took a little over a year to recover. But we did finish, darn it!

7. What do you most often forget to do that you should do?

Blog. I want to blog a lot more often. It’s been so cathartic for me to put words on a page. It helps me process things. But I don’t take advantage of having a blog as often as I should. When I’m feeling low, I often forget I have this great space to vent.

8. What is your favorite movie quote?

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” ( Billy Crystal as Harry in When Harry Met Sally. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. NOW.)

9. Where was the worst place you visited? What made it so bad?

Badascony, Hungary. The first big trip DH and I took together was to Hungary. We spent about half our time in Budapest (which is a very interesting city) and the other half we biked from town to town along the north side of Lake Balaton. We started on the West side and ended on the East side of the lake before heading back to Budapest. On our way to the second town (and the first real bike day), it poured rain. And it was so cold. As we got close to our destination for the night, in the middle of Hungary’s wine country, we stopped at a winery/restaurant to ask for a bit of help finding our hotel. The waitress made a mean face at us (dripping wet with our big backpacks, and I bet our lips were blue), looked at the address we showed her, and acted like that zip code was not even in the same country. When we found our hotel, it was about three blocks away. We had originally planned to eat at that winery that night. Instead, we stayed in, drank hot tea, and took warm baths. The next morning, we headed out of there quick.

10. Do you poop while talking on the phone?

No. I mean, I guess if DH called while I was using the toilet, I’d answer. But I wouldn’t initiate a call from the pot.

11. What is your personal mantra?

This year: Fruitfulness. We’re going to make it a fruitful year, no matter what our circumstances.

DH says my personal mantra is skepticism. I don’t believe things I hear. I don’t take things at face value. Especially from doctors, teachers, and people in authority in general. (Okay, maybe I do have a slight problem with authority…)

Bonus Question: Do you own pajama jeans? If so, where do you wear them?

No. But now that I am faced with this question, I think I should. I have the perfect office environment for it. I usually wear pajama pants to work (at home). If I had pajama jeans, I could answer the door with confidence when the FedEx guy rings the bell.

My Nominations:

I’m sure some of you have already done this or have previously been nominated. I guess our little TTC/IF world is not so very big. Apologies if this is a repeat, but know that I really appreciate your blogs and thank you all for writing! (And I’m praying for you all.)

Barren & Unemployed (http://barrenandunemployed.wordpress.com/)
Born by a River (http://bornbyariver.wordpress.com/)
Something out of Nothing (http://soonafamily.wordpress.com/)
Journal of a Subfertile (http://gardengirl29.wordpress.com/)
An Empty Womb (http://anemptywomb.wordpress.com/)
Husbands and Infertility (http://infertilityjourneyforhusbands.wordpress.com/)
IVF Male (http://ivfmale.wordpress.com/)
Maybe Baby (http://maybebabyivf.wordpress.com/)
Waiting on an Angel (http://waitingonaangel.wordpress.com/)
Today I Bought Waterproof Mascara (http://todayiboughtwaterproofmascara.wordpress.com/)

My Questions:

1.  What TV show, magazine, or book do you LOVE but would never tell anyone about?
2. Do your friends or family know about your blog? Why or why not?
3. Are you a morning person or a night person? What about your significant other?
4. What’s your favorite piece of furniture?
5. What really gets you going in the morning?
6. Dogs, Cats, Neither, Both (Other)? Why?
7. All things happen for a reason. True or false? Explain.
8. Best underrated movie of all time? Why? 
9. What was the worst moment of your best vacation? 
10. What is one thing you’ve learned about your significant other because you’re dealing (or have dealt) with infertility?
11. What do you find is the best way to destress after a tough day?


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Believing–Trying to, Anyway

This morning, this struck me in my reading:

From then on, Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead. … Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.” (Matthew 16:21, 24)

It really is crazy to think that Jesus specifically told the disciples to take up their cross and follow him well before he was crucified. How much plainer could he have spoken?

Jesus knew the moment he began his ministry that he was taking up a cross and that he would bear that cross to completion.

And he told his disciples that he would be killed and that he would rise again three days later.

He told them this at least three times. (See Matthew 17:22-23 and Matthew 20:17-19.)

But after he was crucified, the disciples are nowhere to be found. When they first receive the news that Jesus has risen from the dead, they don’t believe the women who tell them, “because their words seemed to them like nonsense.” (Luke 24:11)

I look at this and wonder at how the disciples could have had so little faith. It is clear they did not believe what he had told them.

But why do I think I’d have done any better?

I’m dealing with infertility. And it hurts. It hurts so badly. And I cannot confess to you the number of times I have thought about my situation and found it hard to believe that God could be using this for my good, for anyone’s good.

But I’ll try to have faith.

Eventually, the disciples saw Jesus face-to-face again. And then they believed. Even the most skeptical of all of them believed.  I can only hope God will have patience for me as he did for them.


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He Lives in Me

I go up and down a lot. And Christmas was tough. And the week after Christmas, full of decompressing and allowing my repressed emotions about all the baby talk of Christmas to come through, was really tough.

But then we started a new year.

Isn’t it beautiful how we can hope (or at least pretend) that a new year will be completely different than the old one? We can discard that old, worn out, used up year and trade it in for all the joys and excitements, for the hope and promise of a new, beautiful year.

And this is going to be my year of fruitfulness. So, what does that mean?

I’ve decided:

  • We will do everything in our power to conceive a child. That includes continuing and adding lifestyle changes that have some chance of helping us. And it includes trusting God to remember us. (Genesis 30: 22, “Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb.”)
  • We will take advantage of the opportunities presented to us. That means we’ll be doing some traveling this year, which I’m really stoked about. DH has a crazy schedule that involves a lot of time off between his long shifts. So, we’ll be going to Southeast Asia in March, which I am really looking forward to.
  • I will read the Bible. I have been doing a daily plan on my phone. It’s a bit of Old Testament, a bit of New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs every day. I’ve read the Bible before, but it feels new and different in light of our current circumstances. And I’ve been highlighting passages that strike me about infertility.

In the past few days, I’ve had a realization that we’re not going through this without reason. I don’t believe that it is God’s will for his children to suffer, so I really don’t believe that we are dealing with infertility because it is what God would have chosen for us. Our infertility is a result of a fallen world. But, given that we are dealing with infertility, I do believe that “God works all things for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

And I believe this means that going through infertility is going to bring us to our right family. I don’t know what our family will look like, but I believe infertility will lead us there. Who knows, maybe we are simply supposed to have twins. Maybe God will use us to provide a home for another person’s child. Whatever path we end up taking to get to a complete family–whatever that may mean–I trust that God is going to lead us to the right end.

Maybe this is something obvious to everyone else. But it just finally sunk in.

And as I was driving down the road today, I heard a beautiful song. I keep singing to myself, “Hallelujah, he lives in me!” What a wonderful and necessary reminder!

If God lives in me, and I believe he does, what powerful work he can do through me and even within my own body. The God who conquers giants and tells the dead to breathe can surely heal our broken bodies. This God has already shown me miracles. He has loved me when I was most unlovable. And I believe he will keep showing me miracles.

I pray I’ll have the eyes to see them.


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2013: The Year of Fruitfulness

I didn’t send a Christmas letter this year. How could I when the main theme of 2012 has been that we can’t get pregnant? The year 2012 is best summarized by what we said about TCU football all season: better luck next year.

We enter 2013 full of hope. Hope that this year we will get pregnant. Hope that we’ll move forward with treatments and that they will work for us on the first try. We can still hope for these things because they haven’t let us down yet. I hope they don’t.

But we also enter 2013 differently than we entered 2012. We’ve changed, and our expectations of life have changed. In the beginning of 2012, DH had just started a new job (which, thankfully, he still loves), we’d been TTC for four months and had no reason to think anything was wrong, and we were going house hunting.

In February we got a puppy (Melville) in the hope that he and our other dog (Cutter) would become good friends so Cutter wouldn’t feel too left out when we had a baby. He’s a doll, and I’m glad we have him. But he still represents a decision we made based on the expectations we had for our family.

In June we moved into a house that we got to build. It’s semi-custom, so we picked a floorplan and then chose things like the tile and granite and cabinets. It’s lovely. It’s also in a suburb of Houston known for family-friendliness and excellent schools. We built our house right behind the elementary school so our kids would be able to walk to school.

And in July, in the midst of the unpacking and getting settled, we found out our diagnosis. I figured all was fine and suspected the reason we’d been unsuccessful was because we’d moved three times in less than a year and we had a lot of stress associated with that. When we found out how dire our fertility outlook really was, I couldn’t believe it.

So we spent the rest of 2012 adjusting to our new reality, or trying to anyway. And wondering why we put ourselves in the suburbs with two dogs and excellent schools just in time to find out we won’t be having children naturally, and likely not the 4 to 6 kids we’d always planned to have.

This past year has been a difficult one and a lonely one. We have struggled to make friends as a couple married 5 years (which is apparently a long time in Texas to not have children) because we fall between social circles: we’re not new marrieds anymore and we don’t have a family. I think this would have been hard but not so lonely in DC, where our friendships were already established. It may also have been easier if we lived in downtown Houston instead of living in a far suburb.

Lately we’ve been asking God a lot about why we are here. We believed we were stepping out in faith for our family when we moved to a good school district early so we would be able to join a church for the long run. We thought we were stepping out in faith for our family when I left my office job to start my own business so that I could stay home and work if I wanted. We have made so many decisions–big and small–based on the expectation that we would center our lives around raising children. And now we don’t really know where we are.

I hope 2013 will bring clarity about God’s purpose for us. I hope it will bring us children, or at least closer to having children. And I hope we can serve God even in the midst of our heartbreak, our fears, and our pain.

One of the bloggers I follow wrote that she likes to christen each new year with one word. I really liked that idea. And I’ve been praying that God would make 2013 a year of fruitfulness for us. I hope we will have a fruitful year in the “be fruitful and multiply” way, but also in serving the Lord, in bearing fruit where we are planted, and in doing God’s will throughout the year.

Happy New Year. I wish you all prosperity, a renewing of your hope, and fruitfulness in 2013 wherever you are planted.  I wish for you that your trials will lead to perseverance. Blessings and peace to you.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27


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Happy Anniversary, Happy New Year

My husband is amazing. He is a strong man and a man of God. And he loves me. How he loves me!

I cannot say enough about the wonderful man I married. This man would do anything for me.

We met in college and dated three years (almost) before we were married five years ago today. On New Year’s Eve 2007, we started our new year and our new life together as newlyweds.

Although we’ve both said 2012 has been the worst and hardest year of our lives, I am so grateful it has not hurt our relationship. Dealing with infertility and the fear and the hopeless days and the heartbreak has not torn us apart. It may have strengthened us. It may be growing us as a couple.

DH is my best friend. My confidante. Truly the man of my dreams. Happy anniversary dear! I wouldn’t be who I am without you.

Five years.

It’s gone by quickly in many ways. But the number is hard to swallow in light of our infertility. This is not where we thought we would be five years in. I look back and see how so many of our plans and expectations have been turned upside down or inside out. And infertility has been the greatest blow of all.

But we keep going. And we’ll get through this. And who knows, maybe this will be our last anniversary to spend alone. Maybe this time next year we will be sleep deprived and wishing for a night out, just the two of us. And we’ll look back on our infertility and say thanks to God that there is a wailing baby keeping us up at night.

So we’ll live it up tonight, in the hopes that this is our last anniversary without children. Maybe we’ve lived our last year as a family of two. We look forward to 2013 and all its promise and all its hope and we’ll enjoy this night. Because we can. Because we have each other.


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Busy Busy (Thank the Lord)

I’ve been a terrible blogger lately. I think it’s because I’ve been busy with all the Christmas preparations. We had a Christmas-party filled weekend that started with a caroling party at our house, his company party, and the church’s Christmas pageant on Sunday. We’re hosting DH’s family at our house on Christmas Eve, and I have been gathering groceries, wrapping gifts, and trying to finish my present for DH. Oh, and I decided in a fit of inspiration (read: insanity) to try to make homemade gourmet marshmallows for the members of his family as Christmas gifts. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I’m so thankful for this busyness. Especially because in the few moments I find myself alone with my thoughts (like waiting in the customer service line at Walmart, ugh!), IF has been starring center stage. It’s worse than normal. And when the radio plays my now least-favorite song of all time (“A Baby Changes Everything,” by Faith Hill), I change the station as the tears start flowing.

Oh Christmas.

I do so love this time of year. Except when I remember that while the whole world is expecting a baby, my womb is still empty.

Merry Christmas everybody. Wishing supernatural comfort, strength, peace, and joy to everyone dealing with hurt and loss this holiday season. I may be back before the 25th; I’ll definitely be back before year-end.


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A Slight Detour

I promised in my last post that I would write about David as the first in my “They Were Called” series. And I will. But right now I need to take a slight detour. I started studying David and am a little overwhelmed by the amount of reading I need to do. And I am hosting a Christmas party on Friday. I hope I can post about David next week.

Now on to the detour:

Today we celebrated a Christmas brunch with the ladies in leadership for my Bible study. We’re studying Hebrews, and this week’s lesson mentions Abraham and how patient he had to be while waiting for the fulfillment of God’s promise that he would be a father of many. So our homework asked how long we’d ever had to wait for something for which we had earnestly prayed.

Of course, the first thing that came to mind is our continuing daily prayer for complete healing and for a healthy pregnancy that leads to a healthy baby. We’ve been actively, earnestly praying that prayer since we started trying to conceive about 15 months ago. We’ve been hoping to be parents, as a couple, for nearly 5 years of married life, and we have been talking about being parents for close to 8. I’ve been planning and expecting to fulfill my calling to be a mother for most of my life, and I would say explicitly for at least the past 10 years. I know that is not a long time. Fifteen months of actively trying and daily praying is especially short compared to the 25 years (I think that’s right) Abraham and Sarah waited for their son. (In my defense, I don’t expect to live nearly as long as Abraham and Sarah; Abraham died at 175 and Sarah lived to be 127.) But it is still painful. It is still something we are waiting for. And, unlike Abraham, we wait without having received from God any promise that we ever will have children.

Another thing I’ve been praying for in the past few months is a person I could meet with in person and talk to about infertility treatments and all the pain and grief and the many challenges that go along with infertility. I love having a blogging community, but I was missing the personal contact that only face-to-face encounters can provide. Of course, we have been really picky in who we have informed about our infertility. How would I find anyone if I wasn’t willing to open up?

And God is so great. Today he brought someone to me.

D is in my Bible study leadership group. Today this is what she shared (paraphrased):

I was up this morning at 4:00 because I couldn’t sleep. And I turned to look through and go over my Bible study questions. And when I got to this question [the how long have you waited question], I felt as though God was telling me I needed to share something. We normally don’t share that we really struggled to get pregnant. . . .

After three years of TTC, she and her husband were fortunate to be able to participate in a study for a new drug. They ended up becoming pregnant in the last month of the study with their son. He is now 19. They had wanted to have many children. A year after their son was born, they started TTC again, ultimately with IVF. It didn’t work for them. And she said she has always struggled on the one hand with why they only had one child while also being so grateful to have one child. She said it is especially difficult now as their son is away at school and really leaving the nest.

When the meeting and the brunch were over, I sought her out, away from everyone else. And I told her what we are going through and how I had prayed for her. And I cannot tell you how much her hug meant to me. We both wiped away tears as we talked about how difficult it is to walk this road. She talked about how no one understands what we’re going through unless they’ve been there or are there. I know she’s right.

And I realized something. I have the great fortune of going through infertility in an Internet age with a great blogging community (thank you all for writing!) and people I am connected with who can understand what we’re going through. People who can lift us up in prayer and who we lift up in prayer. Real people who need this community as much as I do.

She didn’t have that.

I hope I can be community for her–albeit a little late–as I know she will be for me.

Praise God for 4 a.m. meetings and answers to prayer. Praise God.