I’m not a very emotional person–at least compared to other women I know. I live my life through my head. It’s hard–so hard–for me to get things into my heart.
I think sometimes this means I’m not a very compassionate person. I struggle with sympathy, not to mention empathy.
People talk about feeling someone’s pain so deep that it feels like it’s their pain. Or seeing something beautiful and just feeling this little twinge of emotion that flows up like something real and tangible.
Like a white-washed tomb–my heart felt empty and unmoved inside this body.
One of the biggest struggles I’ve had through infertility is convincing my heart that what I believe in my head is true. I’ve called this the head knowledge-gut faith disconnect.
And one of the biggest blessings of infertility is that my heart seems to be working better. Like infertility is the hammer that has broken my heart open and at the same time knocked down the walls I’d built around it. The feeling is coming back, empathy and compassion are slowly seeping in. Not perfect, but gradually coming to life within me.
That opening up makes me hurt more. Opening up lets in the good with the bad, the pain with the joy, the heartache with the peace. And it is what enables me to trust that what God says is true, that God is who he says he is. That God is everything to me. These weren’t possible with my hardened, sealed up heart.
So today, my heart is aching. Aching for one of my only “real life” friends who is dealing with this infertility mess. Her embryo didn’t make it in her first IVF transfer.
And she says she is struggling with this same head knowledge-gut faith disconnect right now.
Praying for her today. For her faith and trust in God. For peace and strength. And for beauty in the pain of death.
And thanking God that he has used infertility for my good and his glory. That I can be there for my friend because of where I’ve been and where I’m going.
I may have picked a different road in life. But God knew where I needed to be today and how to get me here.