Dwell in Me

Seeking God in the Every Day

Peace in the Storm


The past two months have been depressing. I mean the can hardly get dressed in the morning, don’t mind if I miss a meal or three, overwhelming fear kind of depressing. After our initial diagnosis, we had to wait three weeks for our appointment with the RE because of DH’s work schedule. Those first three weeks were brutal. I spent most of each day researching everything I could about our diagnosis, its causes, and our options. I hoped and prayed for something fixable. I looked into all the treatment options and adoption and the ins and outs of everything. I wanted to know, right then, what plan A, B, and C were for starting our family. I had three weeks to wait. Of course, DH was processing things differently, but that’s a subject for another post.

Our first consult was so comforting. We were very optimistic. But after some further blood work and other opinions, our expectations were a bit far off the mark.

Oddly, though, today I feel peaceful. DH says the same. We were both hoping to find out something different yesterday, but we didn’t. We are still hoping that I will get pregnant in my first cycle of treatment. Of course, it’s equally likely (perhaps more likely) that things won’t go perfectly starting when we get to treatments any more than they’ve gone perfectly since we started TTC last September. But we are hopeful and we feel peaceful nonetheless. I can’t explain the peace, but I think it’s a gift from God. I hope it will stay with us through the months of waiting. I’m a bit more functional with the peace.

That’s not to say there won’t be more hard days, more teary mornings, more difficult moments when I see moms with their flocks of children at the grocery store. It probably won’t change the way I feel when people ask me, “When are you going to have children?” or “Married five years? No kids yet? Don’t you think it’s about time?” and so forth. But that’s for a different day and a different post. Today I’ll keep my peace.

5 thoughts on “Peace in the Storm

  1. Hi there. I just wanted to comment because we’re also dealing with infertility, and I know how infuriating and slow the process can be. All the waiting leaves a lot of time for thoughts to run amok in your head. I’m glad you’re feeling peaceful about the whole situation, but I know moods can change in the blink of an eye, especially with people asking such impolite, personal questions. I really hope you get some good news before January. My husband has a pituitary issue and has known about his infertility since he was 16. His count was 0 when we started, but at last check had risen to 700,000/ml. There is hope, and I’m so grateful we live in a time when the technology exists to help us create a miracle. Best of luck to you on the road ahead.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Infertility is so impossibly hard to go through. While I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, it is nice to have a forum to connect with others who are going through the same thing. Thanks for commenting.

  2. I really enjoy your blog. I feel for a lot of what you are going through, although we are a few months behind you guys. It’s such a draining, emotional roller coaster. I wish you both all the best when the big day comes in January 🙂 and I wish you lots of strength, love, and laughter in the meantime. Hugs!

  3. Hi, Years ago my partner took pro hormones and steroids and we thought since he had a child everything was working OK!!! i don’t mean to give false hope but.. in September we went for testing as we had been trying for a year, My partner is 11 years older than me and has an 18 year old son, so i was convinced it was me.

    Well after 2 x SA we were devastated to find he had no sperm count!!!!! which is when we realized what effect these drugs could have,i cried every night and although i knew he felt awful i just felt so hurt that no matter what he would always have his son and i’d be childless, i was scared i would hate him and to be honest it nearly broke our relationship.
    Well yesterday we went for our third SA results and there is 21 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could have fell off my chair. The reason for my for my post is to just give people hope, after we were initially told i search the internet for a positive comment, at least now i know there’s one………. miracles do happen. keep strong, positive and have faith in each other !!!!!!!!!! good luck and baby dust to who ever reads this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s